MY LOVE FOR YOU IS MINE pt.2

She sat there running her hand through her short hair. It would flop over her forehead with pretty waves and she enjoyed the feeling. Her eyes were fixed on the wall, while she sat on the bench, crossing her leg over the other, hunching. She was trying to write her feelings about the watch that she had bought six years ago, when she had passed out of high school and went to college. The pen was in her mouth, trying to think, providing assistance to her brain. 

She looked at her wrist, to beg her watch to tell her what she wanted to hear and write. The hour’s hand and the minute’s hand were hibernating waiting for the right moment to make a move while the second’s hand was excited, chasing the time that was running ahead and trying to push its friends to chase along. They were all adamant though, ignorant about her feelings. They were only going to chase forward but there was no chance that they would lend away what they had caught once. Selfish, she thought

*

The yellow lights mellowed down the mood. She stood there, her eyes searching feverishly. There were sparkles around her. The metal frames, metal hands inside the dials, the stones marking the hours and minutes were all actively showing off  their lustre with pride. They were all trying to woo her. 

Standing there, long hair pulled together in a neat ponytail, her baby hair framing her forehead, she was not paying any attention to the watches on the display. She was hell-bent on finding the one she wanted. She knew what she was looking for. She knew how it looked, the brand and the collection name. It had to be somewhere there, among all the other shiny watches. Her impatience, though, was taking away her ability to spot it. 

It took her a while. After looking through everything twice already, she calmed down. It was not going to happen if she did not calm down. She walked closer to the case, bent down a little and started looking at each piece. She didn’t have to admire everything, but just look at them. To see how their bodies were, how their faces, how their hands were. They were all pretty. After paying the tiny bit of attention for a few minutes, her eyes froze. Her lips that she was chewing from the inside broke into a small restrained smile, not escaping her teeth. Her heart was beating a little bit faster. Or did it become slower? She did not know what was going on in there but she did not care enough to figure it out. 

“Can you please get me the silver watch with the square dial in the third row?” she asked meekly. The staff walked over patiently and looked into the display case. 

“Ma’am, the whole row is for silver watches with square dials. Which one are you referring to?” he asked politely, with a puzzled look. There went her observation skills. She was only looking for what she wanted in the faces of other watches and never really saw them for what they were. She couldn’t stop giggling at her own foolishness. He was probably wondering what was wrong with this girl who was very silent but very absent minded. Looking at the expectant face of the staff, she shyly pointed towards the one she wanted. He, in turn, gave a tiny nod and opened the glass case. Her eyes were fixed on the watch, following as he picked it and placed it out on the counter top. She was not aware of her feelings. She was preoccupied with the sight of that one thing which she had been wanting to own for the past few months. But today she couldn’t bring herself to touch it. The watch sat there, glowing under the bright light, giving her a peaceful look, waiting for her to make a move. Not a single muscle moved. She was silent and stared at the watch. A small smile was pasted on her lips. This watch was going to be hers. 

*

The second’s hand kept running. The minute’s hand had taken a couple of steps by now. She raised her head, going back to staring at the wall. Her mind was lost in deeper thoughts. Small locks of hair at the front were now hiding her eyes. She let out a long and deep sigh. She put her pen down inside the notebook, closed it and stood up. The words that she had written in her notebook were becoming too heavy for her to carry. She did not realise what it would do to her. She thought writing them down would help her deal with her feelings. But this was only making things more difficult for her. She couldn’t breathe. She walked around in the room trying to loosen up. For each step that she took, a different memory flashed in her brain. Tiny memories that she made in high school were playing over and over again. 

“How did I not know this then?” was all that she could think, reflecting on what she had written, looking back at those memories. All the images and the short videos in her head had only one thing in common, one face. A friend that she thought was going to stay in the past. 

*

After five years, when she saw her again, all the blood that had forgotten how to rush, was flowing at a speed that would blow the heart up. She was happy, sad and overwhelmed. While catching up about the lost times, she realised that she felt the same way she did as a school girl. The same specialness floated around in the air whenever she was close to this friend, whenever she looked at her. She considered her a special friend indeed. 

Time has the power to do anything to you. Their lives had changed. Their conversation brought some news to her, something that she did not think would shock her as it did. Her friend now had a boyfriend. Of course she was happy for her. She loved her friend so much and always tried to multiply her happiness for her. She wanted to know the story of how things happened, she wanted to see her relive the best moments and watch her face light up with happiness and joy. So the story began, her friend was getting excited, she was paying too much attention, probably more to her friend than her story. 

“He liked all the things in me that people around me found annoying or had complaints about or which I was insecure about,” said the friend, stating some of those things she had mentioned. Our protagonist was lost in some other world when she suddenly burst out saying “Wow! I like the same things about you too,” with a bright smile. But as soon as those words left her mouth, her joy vanished leaving her smile be, like an empty shell without a soul. She suddenly realised where her mind was and what she was thinking while listening to her friend. She had felt a little off and jealous about the boyfriend. She wanted her friend to notice that she already liked her for the same things since school. But she was glad when her friend just smiled and continued talking. Of course, she did not think anything of the words that interrupted her narration. She must have thought that our protagonist was a very good friend.

*

Walking around, she kept thinking about how this one incident changed her, resolved a tangle, a confusion that had haunted her for over a year. It was of course scary to accept the facts and herself. But her friend made it all easier both, accidentally and purposely. Upon knowing the problem, she encouraged our girl to focus on and prioritise herself without knowing the effect she and her words had. 

The air was not getting any lighter, it was only getting heavier. Her feelings towards her friend didn’t matter to her until recently. She thought she could live by just loving people and not having it reciprocated. She could. She didn’t necessarily want the other person to know that her heart had a special place for them. Her love for them was hers and was enough to make her happy and content. It didn’t matter until one day, when she started thinking about how her first kiss would be and who it was going to happen with. Suddenly she couldn’t shake herself off of the thought that she wanted this friend to be her first kiss, especially if her first kiss was going to happen with a girl. She felt very safe around this person and had this overly protective feeling, possessiveness, jealousy and all the things she had taught herself, all her life, to not feel about another person. But it was not possible, was it? She was after all a human being. The best she could do was bury them whenever such feelings showed up and made herself believe that this was what ‘not feeling it’ felt like. In fact, she was a very jealous and possessive person when it came to the people she loved. 

“Why is this happening now? I am fine, I should be fine. I have been fine before,” she whined under her breath. Of course it was fine before. She never wanted anything from her friend before. Just loving her, admiring her and having her presence was good enough. But now she wanted something that she knew she couldn’t get. She wanted something that she did not want to try getting. 

Having a feeling that her free time was up, she looked at her watch again. The watch on her wrist brought the images of her friend wearing the same model while in school. You are going to be a reminder of her, she thought looking at it. Of course the watch was going to be a reminder of her. It has always been since the day she bought it. But today the context was deeper, heavier. This whole process of thinking and writing her mind was not taking her anywhere right now, nor did it bring any answers. There were no proper questions either. She had to move on along with the second’s hand. She closed her notebook, carried them and walked away to go watch the kids in the next class have fun trying to draw and color. After all, all that she could do now was to hold on to that watch and love her like she always did.