5 Seconds of Summer walked in and then…

December, 30th, 2020.

Being in your early twenties in a world that keeps changing with every blink of an eye, especially in a place where open mindedness is atrocious and disrespectful, among the elders that blindly follow culture and accuse anyone that’s different from them, I think I could instead try to move  a mountain. Freshly graduated out of college with high hopes and positivity about our lives and future, I thought it was going to be an easier road ahead, now that mugging up from books and burning midnight oil were done and dusted. Oh boy was I wrong! Especially in 2020, with the pandemic and the lock-downs. Staying home was always a battle. This time it was war. The number of days when I wished that I had rather not been born than being accused and criminalized for who I was and what I wanted out of my life, I lost count. I was still trying to figure myself and my life out, it was hard for me as well to not be what was normal around me. I wished that I had people helping me out, but I was alone this time. Then came the night. My head was reeling and my cheeks wear burning with the hot tears running down them. I had a paper knife in one hand, looking at the other arm. It wasn’t deep, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t see any possibility of living my life with peace, but dying was not an option. Ironically, I couldn’t inflict pain on myself, couldn’t cause anything more than a mere scratch. I did not know what I was going to do anymore. 

My Youtube was playing songs by it’s own choice. I was calming down a bit. That’s when I heard it. Jet Black Heart, by 5 Seconds of Summer (5SOS, as short). The chorus caught my attention. 

“’Cause I’ve got a jet black heart
And there’s a hurricane underneath it
Trying to keep us apart
I write with a poison pen
But these chemicals moving between us
Are the reason to start again”

I felt like my mind was being read. Jet black heart, hurricane, falling apart, writing with a poison pen. I remembered every note that I have written on my phone and all the entries in my diary, whenever I was not in a good place.But then the last two lines were the deal breaker. I was being told what to do about it. I started feeling mixed emotions. It was bittersweet. I looked up the song to understand the lyrics better. This started off something that I never expected. I started playing all their albums and singles and other songs. I began listening to them everyday, 24/7. I put them on as soon as I woke up, I put them on when I wanted to fall asleep. I showered and did everything with the guys singing through my mobile or bluetooth speakers.

A small introduction to the band – 5 Seconds of Summer consists of 4 men, Luke Hemmings lead vocalist and rhythm guitarist Luke Hemmings, lead guitarist Michael Clifford, Bass Guitarist Calum Hood and the drummer Ashton Irwin. The band officially started in 2011 when they were teenagers. They released their recent album in late March 2020.

Meanwhile I discovered the song Skinny Skinny, one of the singles in Ashton Irwin’s soon to be released debut solo Album Superbloom. That song was literally the advice just for me about all the problems I had. Problems that every other person in the world had as well. But then I listened to Scar, that was the one that actually triggered my mind and changed me. 

“There’s no need to run and hide
When the world leaves a scar
There’s no need to say goodbye
When the world leaves a scar
It’s a painful thing to try
Grit your teeth another time
When the world leaves a scar you
When the world leaves a scar” 

It reminded me of what I tried to do. I looked at the tiny wound on my arm. If it faded away with time, there would be no mark from the dreadful night and I don’t have to remember the night. If the scar stayed, then I would have a mark that shows me that I did survive a terrible night. I thought to myself that I was not going to try this again no matter how low I felt.

I waited for the release of the album setting reminders on instagram and on the day of the release, I listened to all the other songs. Damn. His album was a whole different journey from what 5SOS gave me. And I liked every bit of it. While the albums and songs of 5SOS varied and evolved around punk rock and pop rock majorly, Ashton Irwin’s Superbloom was alternative/indie. The songs literally spoke to me. I was hearing everything I had to hear at that point in my life. Everything that I needed to know, everything that I needed in order to feel assured that I would after all be able to make it in this world.

Quickly a week passed and by this time I started watching videos of them, interviews, behind the scenes, random vlogs, etc. I watched Ashton explain each of his songs. I started looking for anything that would help me get to know these guys better. They were a bunch of guys, goofy and playful, joking around all the time, but they were also mature men who were in touch with their mind and emotions. I listened to almost all of their songs from the very beginning till the recent album and witnessed how much they had grown through their lyrics and music. It inspired me in a way that I really did not understand. I was now officially a fan of 5 Seconds of Summer. I was singing along, or at least trying my best to sing along with them. This is when a switch was flipped. I had been regretting dropping out of my singing lessons as a kid and not knowing any musical instruments. This regret was hitting hard this time. I wished so much that I knew how to sing so I could sing my favourite songs. Now, I had favourite singers and bands already. I loved Panic! At the Disco, Billie Eilish and her brother Finneas and others. But 5SOS was different. I didn’t just want to be a fangirl who listened to all the songs, knew all about the band and the members, waited for new albums, bought their merch and just left it at that. In fact I actually didn’t like fangirling much either. I wanted something else, I didn’t know what, just yet. 

I started talking about them to my closest friends out of too much energy. Then one of them made a comment that I sounded like I finally found my calling. I laughed, she laughed and moved on. Then I realised that I admired the band, yes, but I wanted to rise up to their sky, not just watch them from my ground. I enjoyed music, wished I could sing, make music, write songs, etc. I figured that this was the missing piece of my puzzle which I thought I had lost forever but was actually sitting on it. I decided to learn music. I decided to take up classes for singing and one instrument. I decided to learn keyboard so that I could learn music theory easily and then move on to guitar possibly. In the next three to four days, I found a Carnatic music teacher who was ready to teach me Carnatic singing. We decided the dates to join the class, it was going to be on the auspicious day, Vijayadasami, that was coming. I had to wait for over 10 days for that day. I understood the relation between Vijayadasami and starting new classes, especially education and music classes in my place. So I decided to wait, even if it was eating me up inside. All the mental energy that was built up needed a way to get out. I started watching youtube videos to know more about music theory from other people, worked on an online course that I had already signed up for. All these freaked me out completely. I was suddenly hooked to something like never before and wanted to do a lot in it. This change freaked me out. I told myself that I would learn all the things that I wanted to, let me go with it, if it doesn’t take me to the stars, I shall at least reach the moon. 

In those 10 days, I had two dreams that made me realise that 5SOS were more important for me than I believed them to be.

Dream 1:

My friend (girl) and I walked out of our apartment and headed to the diner. We saw the second last table occupied. We walked to the last table and took a seat opposite to Ashton Irwin. We were there to meet Ashton and his friends who were the group of people behind us. Among them was this guy who looked quite like Luke Hemmings and he caught my eye. When I nudged my friend to look at him, he caught me. He looked at me with a soft smirk. I got all awkward and sank in my seat while he waved at me. I waved back. 

Even while I was asleep and dreaming, only one thing in this dream mattered more for me. Ashton Irwin was my friend. I experienced the whole dream with that in the context. I was Ashton Irwin’s friend.

Dream 2:

October 24th, 2020

I was in the hospital with IV tubes in my forearms. I was walking here and there and then went to the washroom. All this while, Calum, Ashton, Luke and Michael, (as their younger selves) were making a ruckus in the waiting area. By the time I was done with the washroom, they had already come into my room. I came out of the washroom to see them playing with all the things in the room. I went to them and we were all hugging and laughing. They were very happy to see me. If they were very concerned, their faces didn’t say so. I remember very well how hugging Calum made me feel. His laugh. Ashton and his laugh. I was really happy to see them come and visit me while I was sick (although I didn’t act like I was).

I was so happy that I did not want to wake up. I wanted to cry when I realised that I was waking up from the dream. I couldn’t express how happy I was that the people I admired and looked upto were there to see me. But later that day, thinking about it, I saw how my feelings had been visualised in my dream. I had been mentally sick for the past days and I believed somewhere in my mind that 5SOS and Ashton Irwin’s Superbloom had been my only sources of solace. I listened and sang along with their songs all the time. I watched them, their videos, looked at their pictures, talked about them and slept to their songs every night. My whole 24 hours, everyday, involved them in some way or the other, only them. Likewise, in my dream, they were the only people who cared enough to visit me and check up on me when I was sick and hospitalized.

Finally, October 26th, Vijayadasami, I went to my first singing class. I marked that day. My singing teacher was one of the best human beings that I had had in my life. Singing classes became like therapy sessions. I would share some of my thoughts and ideas and she would give her opinion or perspective on it. She always encouraged me and appreciated me for who I am and made it clear that she liked me for myself. Exactly one month later, I joined keyboard classes. Everything was going well. I made sure I practiced my lessons everyday without fail. I also focused on what to do with my life, started planning, at least in my head. All the while I kept listening to 5SOS and Superbloom. I started looking up for new songs so that I could get an exposure and learn more.

After a couple of weeks into keyboard, during one of the classes, I asked my teacher why Happy Birthday was the first or one of the first songs taught everywhere for keyboard lessons. He told me that it was because of how the song was composed of the basic notes. But I was baffled by the fact that it was a BIRTHDAY song that everyone in the world learnt as the first or one of the first songs on keyboard. This discussion took too many turns and led to the next switch that was to be flipped. While explaining things, my teacher told me that it was always better to know drums, at least the basics, so that it would be very useful in composing. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he told me that I could better learn drums too, maybe after the keyboard. I was on the moon. I agreed. In the next week or so, I took my first drums class. I couldn’t stop smiling when he was demonstrating, I never thought about drums before. He taught me basic lessons that day. I was practicing. The whole time, there was only one thing in my mind. Ashton Irwin. I appreciated, admired and looked upto all four of the members of 5SOS for their talent, personality, fashion sense and everything. All their social media handles were on notification alert. But Ashton Irwin was always a bit different for me. I don’t know how it happened, but I was idolising him really harder than I did the other guys. I had been taking in everything he said, tweeted or posted in a different way than the other guys’.

So when I was playing the drums for the first time in my life, all I could think about was how Ashton would play his drums, how he would have felt when he played for the first time ever, how he feels about it every time, how he feels while sitting on his drum throne (the seat) and so on. That was the happiest one hour in my life, especially the moment that I realised my thoughts. 

While having them had brought me so much good in just two months, it also had negative side effects. Now 5SOS were already very much talented. They had been in this for a decade. While I was looking up to them, I also started feeling anxious about reaching that level. I had just joined classes at the age of 22 while they were a bunch of 24-26 year old men who were famous and had won awards. So my mind just put two and two together coming up to the conclusion that I would take at least 10 years to reach that place as well. Looking at a spot that was 10 years ahead from so far behind was pulling my spirits down. I made sure not to skip practicing or give up on what I had started just because of my own expectations and fear. Also the fact that I was going to be only one out of a billion other people and that they would never know me hurt me, even though I was not really interested in meeting my idols and role-models and people I admired.It was a difficult battle to fight. But slowly I worked it out. Whenever I felt anxious about it, I thought to myself that the reason I started taking up classes was not just to become famous like them. Sure it’s a possible outcome, but the main reason was my own happiness. I chose this because I wanted to at least sing in the shower if not on a stage in front of millions of people. I needed to remember that fame and recognition by someone was not the epitome of happiness and success.

We always saw people who sang since 5, acted since 4, danced since 14, etc. and watched their success. We never knew their struggles. We also never knew people who started out really late and succeeded as well. Instagram, Youtube and tiktok showed us too many times, the teenagers who were millionaires in just a couple of years. But we were never reminded that it is ok to not be successful even after 21 or 23. That was the hardest thing for me to accept. I think that struggle will keep showing up once in a while and it would be a constant uphill battle. We just have to decide if we want to look for and hold onto the happy things or be miserable during those battles. We always don’t need another person to lend us a shoulder, we don’t need to feel lonely just because we are alone. We could have ourselves and anybody we want as friends. Just because it is in our head, it doesn’t mean it’s not true, Albus Dumbledore once said to Harry Potter. I could prove that it’s right. When my instruments teacher appreciated me for picking up drums faster than I did keyboard, I was so happy. I felt like a kid and really wanted to tell Ashton, Luke, Calum and Michale about it. I did, in my own way. I just played their songs and listened to them with so much excitement while just imagining it in my head. That’s how I knew that whenever I listened to them, I felt like they were talking to me in person about their day and their life, just like my friends did. I was so happy to have them in my life at that moment. Even though I was only one out of a billion, they were always going to be the only 5SOS in the world and in my life. 

2020 was really hard. It made me experience a lot of lower points than I ever did. But I could only be grateful for anything that had happened because of where I have started heading. I might not know the destination yet, but I sure enjoy the path and the scenery around me. 5SOS came in late, but I prefer them being late than never happening at all. All the switches that flipped, turning the lights on in the new territories for me to explore, I am glad. I do not know how 2021 is going to go. Would it be easy or tougher than what we have been through? However it turns out, I am sure that I can face it, I have my spotify to listen to my favorite voices and sounds and I am never going to be alone again, in my head.