Dear me,

May, 30th, 2021

I sat at the end of the bed staring into my laptop. I had work to do. I liked the work I was doing, I believed so. But I didn’t like working. I felt like I was wasting time whenever I deviated from myself. My mind was in such a haze all the time and staying away from it felt like a sin. But I had no other choice. It was this or drowning in myself. I heard my mobile ping. I hoped it was my sister. I had been checking the time for a while now, waiting for 22:00. I knew she would come online after ten at night, after she finished all the chores and went back to her room. It was her. I felt a light wave of warmth. I surely would have sulked more if it wasn’t her. I had so many things to tell her. My mind ran over everything that I had thought about. I needed a quick recap. Simultaneously, my hands opened the messages.

She had reacted to some message I had sent her earlier. I waited for her to start the conversation. I did not want to bombard her with my fears and confusions after a long hard day. She did start the conversation, enquiring about my parents, their health and mine. The pandemic had been very severe, especially her, with her brother falling sick and then her mother. 

“How was your day akka?” I asked. I had always

 I have been concerned about her since the day I knew what was going on in her life. I wanted to make sure that she was safe and that nobody had worried her. I knew I couldn’t do anything, but I wanted her to know that she had people who cared. 

“Tough da. So much work. I had to sweep the floor, mop it, wash the clothes, hang them to dry, fold them, grind the rice and also take care of papu. My body is in pain and I am tired doing it all on my own,” read the reply. I could only empathize. I did not like that she had to struggle so much on her own when she was living with her family. I wondered what she would have done, going through the activities she mentioned, imaging it all. I wished that I was there to play with papa, her two year old daughter, so she had things a tiny bit easy. 

“It’s okay akka. Imagine that you are maintaining your house and that they are all just guests,” I pressed send knowing that it might make her smile.

“Yes, thangama. I feel like this is all just a training period for me so that when I am on my own with papu, I can manage everything.” I read it and felt lighter. The way she called me always had me smiling. She always saw the good in anything. Even though it has backfired badly, it does make it easier

 for her.

She reminded me of my grandmother, my own mother’s mother. She had faced so many barriers in her life since a young age and she had always been the strongest. Even when she had a small fire accident having burn injuries all over the back of her legs and hip, she was so calm. She had struggled to make a good life for her children. She lost her husband, had her married son in bed rest after a terrible accident and cared for him like he was an infant and many others over the years. She was always the strongest pillar. Everyone leaned on her. 

My dad and my sister’s dad were immediate cousins, brothers who grew up together. But she felt more like my grandma’s blood. I only wished it was in fact real so she needn’t have been through all the trouble. 

“Yes akka, like Amichi (mom’s mom),” I replied. Of course she knew my grandma. 

“Yes, the Iron Lady,” I read, smiling.

I smiled, but I was also sad. We lived only 50 steps away and I couldn’t meet them and be present. That reminded me of the conversation we had the previous day. 

“Papu and I were going to come there to walk in front of your house. As we were going to turn into your street, she got distracted by a hen and went behind it. So we didn’t make it,” she texted me. 

I didn’t know if I had to exclaim out

 of bummer that they couldn’t come or out of love because of how cute the girl was. I texted her the same.

“My baby,” I added with a puppy eyes emoji.

“Of course she is yours… Our kid,” read the message. I cried with my eyes dry. I couldn’t handle my emotions. I agreed with her.

“I have this vision. She will learn from you or you will teach her many valuable things in life, how to lead an independent life,” she messaged again. For the heart that was almost numb and dead out of exhaustion to be understood and accepted, this was the holy water. I prayed to god that this would come true. I had been thinking about marriage and kids and had been thinking that I was going to hurt and disappoint my parents more and more by becoming who I really was inside. My sister was the first person to try to listen and learn for me and stood up for me. All my visions and desires had been around the same thing. My sister, papa and I, living together happily. I did not know if this was what the future held for us, but this is what I wanted. Hearing something similar from her was exhilarating.

I got another message. “ Papu will walk on the stage to get her degree certificate. You would be waiting for her to hold it finally. When she gets it, she will be running to you and both of you

 will dance with your own sassy moves in front of everyone.”

I wanted to bawl.

“If this is going to be my future, then I am so ready to go ahead, and I wanna cry now,” I texted back. I remembered the time I felt full in my life watching papa. I felt like I had gotten everything I want in life. I felt like now I just had to live for her, my sister and myself.

“We’ll make it happen, I will definitely give her such a passionate future,” she texted. I knew she would. She was the best mother I had seen. She was the best daughter, best sister, she was best at everything. Not because she was perfect, but she always tried harder and was always open to learning, for them. I saw her as my mother. She knew everything about me. My insecurities, my fears, my strengths, my problems, my questions, my experiences, my feelings, she knew it all and she never asked to know. We both had similar visions of our intertwined futures. Yet I was upset that she would have to move sooner to live with her husband. I knew why she had to, I knew what she wanted. I was scared for her safety, but not for her strength and will. I was more scared for myself. When she would leave, she would leave me alone with people who wouldn’t be her. I was scared that I would have to deal with

 my demons alone. I was scared that when I would finally find myself, she would be too far away and I would not even be able to visit her to celebrate it with her. But I consoled myself with the fact that I was going to be important for her, no matter the distance. It was a wish that had become a fact. That made me feel better. 

I wrote a poem when I learnt that she was actually going to move soon. I hadn’t shown it to her because I didn’t want her to feel bad about leaving me behind. But here goes…

I feel selfish
To hold you down
I feel scared
To let you go
But it is all
That only I feel
And I suppose
It must end
Only with me
And you must go

PS : I do not know if she would read this. She might be upset or happy. She might like it. But I realised one thing. Our lives had just started. I believe that neither of us would stop until we got what we wanted. I know I wouldn’t. It has to be the three of us, nothing else. All my life being called adamant, it would be unlike me if I stopped being so now.

PPS : Thank you, dear me, talking to you has made me come to terms with the new possible changes. I love you.